Press brief 4

Author's note: From there I decided to transform the news briefs into a parody of a TV news broadcast, based on the model of theguignols de l’info or fromjournal des briques. I hope this burlesque interlude will please you, even if its tone contrasts with that of the rest of the fanfic.

oOoOoOo

Hello, you are on CNN, it is October 20, 1994, and for once we are starting this news bulletin with good news. After several days of searching, firefighters sent to Moscow by the international community have managed to save a 9-year-old child from the rubble of his house, bringing the total number of survivors to 195. The president himself went to the site to commend the courage of the American soldiers and firefighters who participated in the rescue operations and announced that the USA would once again take their part in the fight against barbarism alongside our Russian allies.

The image of the TV set where the presenters are disappears to make way for a row of soldiers saluting the arrival of the president at attention in front of the ruins of Red Square.

Madame Lewinsky, please present a medal to this brave soldier.

Yes Mr. President.

But Monica, what are you doing? Why are you pulling down my pants?

But Mister President, it was you who asked me ... Oooh! That soldier.

The image abruptly switches back to the presenters.

Ahem! Ahem! Without transition, to discuss the violent riots that shook most major American cities last night, we now welcome the leader of the Democratic rebels and representative from Vermont, Bernie Sanders. The Republican Party favorite and Governor of Texas, Mr. George W. Bush, and Vice President Al Gore. Mr. Sanders, to start this interview, do you condemn the violence?

Of course, I strongly condemn the excesses, however, I understand the anger that drives our fellow citizens in the face of the inability to find work in these times when unemployment exceeds 30%, and I think that...

But after all, they have no reason to complain. Despite the recent blockade of the Strait of Hormuz which drove oil prices up to 150 dollars a barrel, thanks to the courageous action of our government, the crisis is over. It's all in my film: 'An Inconvenient Truth'.

How could one consider it finished with inflation over 20% and so many families who ...

So you find the violence legitimate? Interrupted the presenter.

But no, really. And then that's not the question. The question is how to address the legitimate concerns of our fellow citizens who expressed themselves last night and elsewhere...

My dad, he said that we shouldn't be afraid of black people. Interrupted George Bush.

Black, do you mean Mr. Bush? Asked the host.

No, blacks, why?

Hmm! Hmm! Indeed, and by the way, we will immediately review the disturbing images of the bloodthirsty barbarians who attacked the honest merchants of the capital.

For a few minutes, the image of the TV set fades to make way for videos of protesters peacefully holding signs askingAn increase in social aid with the backdrop of an isolated person throwing cinder blocks at a shop window.

The entire country was shocked by these images, gentlemen, how do you plan to respond to the crisis?

We will increase the interest rates of 3-year OATs in order to encourage a sudden but controlled increase in the long-term rate spread with the Brazilian real, complemented by an exceptional increase in the depreciation allowance limit over 5 years.

In French, please? Asked the presenter.

We're going to give a ton of money to the industrialists, without any conditions, hoping that they will hire.

Mr. Sanders, do you condemn the violence? Asked the presenter.

I already told you yes.

No, but it's to be sure. And you, Mr. Bush, what is your solution? asked the presenter.

We must bomb all the Mr. Bricolages and burn all the Leroy Merlins. That way, no more cinder blocks!

Hmm! Hmm! What do you say to the statements of the new president of the army of God and the member of your party who support them, who claim that these protests are caused by, I quote: 'the demonic spawn that has infiltrated our glorious nation'?

At my birthday, dad invited a magician who pulled lots of pretty balloons out of his hat. He was very nice. Replied George Bush.

Words of reassurance that warm the heart. Mr. Sander, do you condemn the violence?

No, but is this a joke? I think that ...

Ha, ha! You said no. Rejoiced the presenter.

A banner appears

Quote from Bernie Sanders: I urge my supporters to kill their baby, rape their wife, and defecate on the carpet

But I never said that!

You know, it's the thought that counts. International news, now we are live with the spokesperson of the Chinese Communist Party to talk about the famine affecting Southeast Asia.

Hello, it's us, the Tinois.

What can you tell us about the famine currently affecting Southeast Asia?

No famine in the glorious and powerful democratic republic of China. Just a sugar-free diet. Such an abundance of food that the Chinese have to watch their figure. And gluten-free, because the Chinese are very health-conscious. And without vegetables, because they are full of pesticides. And without meat because the Chinese are very concerned about animal welfare.

So what are they eating then?

From the earth. Many trace elements. Very good. Did I tell you about my grandmother's earth pie? Very balanced dish.

A jingle starts:Mao knows how to make good soil, Mao knows how to make good soil(Note from the author for those who don't get the reference:Café Grand-mère .

Okay, the real reference is:Pub café Grand-mére 1983 )

Hmm! Hmm! And what do you think of the recent senate vote where the Republican senators allied with some of the Democratic senators toforce the American government to suspend wheat exports abroad in order to reduce the runaway inflation of food products since the end of food exports from Europe?

This is a democratic scandal. Since when, in a democracy, does the parliament dictate its conduct to the government?

Oh, you know, we're all a bit shaken by the period, but don't worry, in some time everything will return to normal. Replied the presenter.

oOoOoOo

Author's note 1: The joke with Bill Clinton is a rather tacky reference to the relationship between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, but it's not my fault, Your Honor, it's the fault of the 90s.

Author's note 2: For those who may not know, George Bush Jr. is the son of Bill Clinton's predecessor in the White House. That's why he is parodied as a child who constantly quotes his father.

Author's note 3: There are plenty of little arrangements with reality in this chapter. For example, in real life, George Bush will be elected governor of Texas a month later. And in the context of the story, there is a strong chance that this election will be postponed and that Texas will remain in the hands of the Democrats. But I wanted to mention it, so I allowed myself to cheat a little with reality.

Author's note 4: In the 90s, following the dissolution of the USSR, there was a great famine in North Korea that killed many people. In my story, I make the assumption that if Europe had also disappeared, the famine would have spread to the entire region.