First lesson with Gilderoy

Harry was quietly eating at the Hufflepuff table when a whirlwind in a Slytherin uniform sat down next to him. Then she filled her plate with potatoes before starting to mash them furiously.

You know, I think they've had enough. Said Harry.

What? retorted Jenny as she continued to hammer her poor victims.

You argued with Ginny again, didn't you?

No. Well, yes. But she didn't annoy me. Well, yes. But oh stop smiling like an idiot.

Hey. Why me? Lucas is also messing with you. Pointing at the Gryffindor who had joined them shortly after Jenny.

Yes, but he lets me help myself from his plate, so it's fine.

I don't let you serve me, I've just never managed to stop you.

You know that there are plenty of empty classrooms.

We're just friends. Lucas replied, blushing to his ears.

In short, what annoyed you? Asked Harry.

Nothing, I'm not upset. Jenny replied.

It's Lockhart's class that upset him. Lucas replied.

Pfft! He didn't annoy me. I don't care about the remarks of that stupid teacher.

Really, you had your first class with Lockhart. HowWas it? Harry asked, his eyes full of stars.

He is the worst teacher I have ever had and yet, half of the girls in the class are in ecstasy. If you had seen how Ginny was wriggling in front of him.

What, Ginny is being unfaithful to me? She has no right to adore anyone other than me. I am the great Harry Potter, after all.

This made Jenny burst into laughter, temporarily forgetting her rage.

Frankly, you should both try to make peace with her. I assure you she can really be nice. Lucas replied.

Oh my God Lucas not you. Screamed Harry

They got it. They got it. Jenny shouted frantically in front of a Lucas who was increasingly disheartened by the reaction of his two friends.

That Ginny is unfaithful to me is one thing, but how dare you cheat on Jenny, retorted Harry.

We're not in love! Shouted Lucas and Jenny in sync, looking at each other blushing.

After an awkward silence of a few seconds, Harry resumed:

If you would rather tell me how Lockhart's class was? It must have been great. That guy is a legend. No, wait, don't tell me anything. I want to find out everything for myself.

oOoOoOo

A few hours later

Welcome, my young friends. I am Gilderoy Lockhart, renowned adventurer, bestselling author, and winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award. But it wasn't with my smile that I disarmed the succubus terrorizing that village in Lithuania.

He declaredWith a devastating smile that made all the girls in the class squeal with delight (and most of the other boys sigh with exasperation).

Pleased with its effect on his young audience, he continued:

This year, I will have the distinct honor of being your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. First of all, I will test your level and see what you have retained from reading my books. Please fill out this questionnaire.

He raised his wand and immediately, the questionnaires on his desk flew to each of the students who spent the next twenty minutes filling them out. Then he collected them and began to read them.

Hmm. Well! You all seem to have a satisfactory level. There are still some surprising answers. Miss Luna, for example, made an effort, but she seems to be very behind. You should reread my books more carefully. If you want, for only 50 galleons, I can ask my publisher to send you the expanded version of my latest interviews in Wizard Weekly. You will then know that my favorite scent is not unicorn trumpet, but lavender. And that the creature I defeated in Transylvania was not a nargol, but a ghoul.

Oh, oh! But here is a perfect copy. We have an expert in Defense Against the Dark Arts in this room. Let's see, but obviously, it's Harry Potter. I should have guessed. You have a lot of potential, my boy, and with some advice from me, you might even become as famous as I am.

It would be an honor, sir.Harry was squirming in his chair like the ultimate groupie.

Oh come on! I hope our comrades won't hold it against me, but to reward you for your perfect results, I'm going to deviate slightly from my original course. Today we will see how to gently push back overly insistent requests from fans.

oOoOoOo

That evening, Jenny and Lucas asked him:

So how was your first class with Lockhart? Not too disappointed?

Disappointed? On the contrary, it was great, he's exactly like in the books. How does he manage to act so well? He's truly a genius.

No, but stop, he is totally incompetent.

But no, it's the best class I've had.

I know you're a fan of his books, but you need to open your eyes. His classes are completely useless. He's a clown.

Are you kidding? This is the first time I've had a class at Hogwarts that I find useful. Honestly, how can you blame him for his classes being useless when we just spent two hours trying to transfigure a spoon into a safety pin?

Yes, all right, I don't see the point, but at least it's magic.

And botany, and potions, and astronomy? We don't do magic either and yet, that doesn't bother you?

Yes, well, okay, but we learn things there.

Yes, but useless things. Once out of Hogwarts, I don't see why I would want to know the position of Mars in the sky. And there's no way I'm touching toxic plants again. On the other hand, knowing how to manage dangerous people so that it doesn't end in confrontation can be useful to everyone. Especially in the context of tension in the wizarding world.

What, but we don't learn that in our classes.

It's because you're not paying attention. There's a second level of reading in his classes. It's like in his books. He pretends to be a self-important buffoon, but in fact, he's super badass. And then think about it? We're in the best magic school in the country, led by the most intelligent wizard of our generation, and Defense Against the Dark Arts is one of the most important courses. Do you really think an incompetent person would be hired for this position?

Lucas and Jenny no longer knew what to answer, but didn't seem convinced, so Harry added:

And then I can assure you that the only Defense Against the Dark Arts class I had last year was much worse. The teacher put me in front of a creature that you normally only see in third year and left me to fend for myself. At least he didn't release dangerous creatures in his class.

There is a second-year Gryffindor who told me that in his first class, he released a cage full of pixies.

Without wanting to offend you Lucas, I don't trust Gryffindors. And the second-year Hufflepuffs told me they just recreated certain scenes from his books as a play.