Press Brief 5

Hello, you are on CNN, it is October 30, 1994. Mr. Sanders, do you condemn the violence?

No, but it's not going to start again! Bernie Sanders protested.

No, I mean, do you condemn the violence of the Army of God?

Ah yes. Of course we condemn them. It is intolerable for fascist militias to threaten our fellow citizens and challenge the rule of law.

As you can see, the dangerous socialists are creating an atmosphere of McCarthyism in the country and are fighting against the free expression of the hardworking American workers they claim to represent, commented the presenter.

Seriously!? They killed thousands of people across the country because they thought they were witches. What does it take for you to understand that these lunatics are a threat? Sanders yelled, now hysterical.

Yes, well, we don't know the whole story. They probably had good reasons. And then, they aren't all innocent either. One of them was caught stealing candy from a grocery store when he was 10 years old.

Your words are vile.

You say that only because he is Jewish. Accused Ron Watkins, who, along with Donald Trump, was one of the 3 guests tonight.

What? Said Sanders.

But I am not Jewish! exclaimed the presenter.

You run a TV news channel, so you are Jewish. Ron Watkins specified.

But that's anti-Semitic! Sanders exclaimed.

No, it's not possible, I can't be antisemitic, I have a Jewish friend.

And he never told you that what you were saying is anti-Semitic?

Yes, all the time, but he is Jewish, he is not objective.

…

You don't say anything, Mr. Trump? Asked the presenter.

Oh no, even for me, that's impressive. Replied Trump.

And yet, you should have seen me in my youth, I managed to convince a NASA scientist that the Earth was flat, explained Ron Watkins.

Was it? Asked the presenter.

Well yes! To divert people from the true faith, the satanist reptilians made it round. Everything is written in my book for only 99 dollars in all good bookstores: the secrets of the Apollo program: why we were made to believe that we went to the moon.

A man in a janitor's outfit arrives at the studio while sweeping and whispers in Ron Watkins' ear:

Say, would you mind giving me the film adaptation rights?

Steven Spielberg, what are you doing here? Exclaimed the presenter.

Have you seen the news lately? People fighting on flying brooms, giants facing werewolves, American families having to host goblins. And all that, without special effects. I can't compete anymore, it's unfair competition, so I had to retrain. But I haven't lost hope. I just need to find something more absurd than the news.

I'm being told through my earpiece that the destruction of Moscow is suspected to have been caused by a nearsighted child armed with a stick.

Would you be interested in changing the maintenance company for your church? My company offers super clean prices.

Without transition, in international news, Sino-American tensions escalate after a new incident at the border between South and North Korea. The Republican Party accuses North Korea of forming an alliance with Harry Potter to invade South Korea. Under pressure from its Senate, now largely aligned with the Republican camp, the American government has deployed several naval and air groups to the Korean border. The Chinese government responded by repatriating a significant portion of its troops from the European front to the North Korean border and announcing an upcoming large-scale joint military exercise with North Korean forces. Many observers are concerned about the risk of incidents during what they describe as the largest deployment of forces seen in Asia since the end of the Second World War.

Despite the American president's attempts at appeasement during an exceptional meeting of the allies, Russia denounced a behaviorIrresponsible on the part of the USA while the majority of Europe is still in the hands of Harry Potter. In the absence of reassuring statements from the American executive, European governments in exile have threatened to leave the negotiating table regarding the future of Europe.

More than ever, the alliance seems weak as our troops progress slowly but surely through the lands controlled by the dark lord.